This past week, I've had loads of vivid, distressing dreams, mostly involving exes; specifically XP and the ExBastard.
(I've suddenly realised that new readers will have no idea who they are. Okay, I have an Ex Husband, known as LoafAbout, or LA. Then there was 18 months with YogaMan. Then, after a brief excursion into Christian land with StreetWitness, and a short adventure with ThighsMan, I began what turned out to be one magical year, one bad year, and one we-broke-up-but-we're-both-addicted-to-each-other-and-not-in-a-good-way six months with the Ex Bastard, known as XB. After that, was ten years with XP, the Ex-Partner. Now, for the past six years, there has been PizzaBoy, the Excellent Husband. So, do try to keep them straight, my loves. LA, XB, and XP.)
These dreams left me sweating, distressed, unsure of who I was each morning, fearful, and with dream flavour all over me most of the day.
At first, I thought it was because I was reading RIDING THE BUS WITH MY SISTER, which is about a woman who indeed rides the bus with her intellectually impaired sister. I have a son with autism, intellectual impairment, hearing imapairment, blah, blah blah. I thought the book was triggering off old stuff.
Be that as it may, it's more than that. The dreams are a clarion call re-examine old, old self-stories.
I did a three card tarot spread for myself yesterday, using my brand new Mary-El tarot. Time to own my part in those old stories. Time to admit that in the weeks before being dumped by XP, I was both ecstatic that I was finally going to move in with the man I loved, deeply upset that he demanded I get rid of one of my cats, and that my kids have only limited visiting times in the house, and my daughter, not at all for six months, and behaving like a bit of a shit.
By turns sulky, hyper, near hysterically confident that this was finally, finally happening, and never mind what he was asking of me, and assuming that one relationship counselling session would fix everything.
When I finally found someone who would rehome Missy, our little pale grey cat, it was one more hoop I'd jumped through for XP, and deeply distressing.
I called XP at work to ask if he couldn't see his way clear to not only having Angel, but also Missy in his precious house.
XP: I'm sorry, but no.
He liked Angel. He didn't like Missy. She didn't come when he called. She shied away from him.
Satya: It will take me a long time to forgive you for this.
That was the fateful trigger. He arrived at my house in the evening, as I was packing my spice bottles into a cardboard moving box. He shouted that I loved my cats more than him. That he didn't succumb to emotional blackmail. How dare I.
He stormed out. I looked at the cinnamon jar in my hand and numbly packed it into the box.
An hour later came the text message. He'd cancelled the moving van, due in three days. I wasn't moving in. We're over. Don't contact him.
I drove to his house, hysterical. I offered him a full bag of grapefruits I'd picked from my generous neighbour's tree, just for him. I noticed he'd claimed back his house key I kept in my car.
He didn't budge. We were done.
I'm not saying it was my fault. He had me at the cliff-edge already. By this time, I'd agreed to so many self-compromising things that I no longer knew if I had boundaries at all. All to keep him. Because I was afraid of being alone.
I'm not saying that he wasn't a dick. He was.
But, to be honest, I was a bit of a dick, too.
Oh, the things we women do to keep a man who is not worthy of us.
And, as of last night, no LA, XB, or XP dreams.
Sure, a weird dream full of emotion: I'm a prison guard, and to avoid witnessing an execution, I spin an complex story about knowing the prisoner in some way; of knowing the true story behind a certain poet's Muse relationship with a girl called Louise, who is somehow linked to the prisoner. I start pointing out that poems written about other people are, in fact, about Louise.
As usual, I woke wrung out, because all the way through the dream, I know I am lying, and getting deeper in all the time. But the dream flavour is no longer with me. I am not spending the day with stirred-up emotions. And, it wasn't about my exes. Whew! I guess the dream message being hammered at me for the past week has finally been delivered. Own your part in it all. Own your shit.
So, here I am, owning. I'm human. I made, and make mistakes. Can't change them. It all happened.
Now, I wonder how my Bottom-of-the-fridge soup is coming along?